Since the Knicks‘ hapless leader is renowned for his lack of media availability, I wanted to take a crack at what just might be going on in that skull of his to give a little insight into the notoriously secretive workings at the top of the Knicks organization. This goes without saying, but I don’t know James Dolan, I don’t know anyone that knows James Dolan or even know anyone that knows anyone that knows James Dolan. I have no special knowledge of his daily thought pattern, no “sources” within the front office and, like most of Knicks’ Nation, no earthly idea what he is thinking… ever. Everything that becomes part of this reoccurring piece is going to fall somewhere between “complete and total wild ass guess”, and “shameless rampant speculation”. I just wanted to get all of that out of the way now so Dolan doesn’t try and hold Comcast here in Baltimore over the barrel Time Warner style. We cool Jimmy? By your silence, I’ll take that as a maybe. So, with no further ado, I present, “Dolan’s Dome”:
Tuesday, May 22nd , 2012. 9: 57 PM. Deep inside Cablevision Castle:
“I should call Phil. I should just pick up the phone and call him. What could it hurt? He’s probably still awake. I mean, he loves the Knicks, right? And he loves coaching basketball. So why wouldn’t he want to coach basketball for the Knicks? It’s like a Charles Smith layup, right? Bad analogy Jimmy. Maybe a phone call is a little strong, but I’m terrible at texting on this touchscreen without D’Antoni around anymore to help. Only he could send a message in seven seconds or less on this thing. Should I tweet him? I could send him something funny, like #PhilTheKnicks’TrophyCase, which he could retweet to all his friends. Then I’ll be in the triangle of trust. Or maybe I’ll just Facebook poke him. Although that might make him think I’m not serious, and I definitely am. Oh, oh, I know. I’ll walk up to Jeanie Buss at the next owners’ meeting and say to Jeanie, “Honey check it, tell your friends, to get with my friends, and we can be friends… we can do this every weekend. Aight? Is that aight with you? Yeah… keep bangin.” That’s it. Phil is smart, he’ll pick up what I’m putting down. And I hear Biggie is huge in Montana. Or maybe I’ll just send him a letter and ask: “Do you like me… as your future owner?” and then he can check yes or no, whichever box he wants. I bet he might think it’s funny if both boxes were “Yes” boxes! He’s clever enough to get the humor there.
Man, I just wish I knew if he was interested. I mean, I made this Woodson character fire that hack Joe Glass. Although, besides the cool name and all, Glass is like a hundred years old and he totally had it coming after he was the getaway driver for Larry Brown when he robbed me. The one thing the world can say about Jimmy Dolan is I stick to my principles and I am one loyal cat. And a cool cat. A loyal and cool cat. I should write that down for my next album name. That loyalty is the only reason Sather lasted this long to turn around the Rangers, and look how excited everyone is now. Maybe I should call Isiah again, maybe I didn’t give him enough of a chance… No Jimmy, No! You know you can’t resist his sweet smile, horrendous Free Agency initiatives and franchise embarrassing sexual harassment. You’re a better person to have moved on from him, Zeke is just the past now…. A past with a sweet smile, sweeter drives to the hoop and… damn it. You’re doing it again Jimmy. Leave Zeke outta this, he’s no good for you.
Ok, back to this Woodson guy. All these media types keep talking about how he “earned” an extension. I guess so, even if the media is stupid and mean. Last time I handed out an extension, it was only because Zeke got us within striking distance of the playoffs, so Woodson has shown a little more there. And he dropped Joe Glass for CAA like a bad habit, and denied the reports that we had already been negotiating like he was David Stern denying the existence of the frozen envelope, so at least he’s loyal. That reminds me, I should crank call Joe Glass and remind him he was dropped and might want to go by Broken Glass now. Haha. Classic Jimmy! And Woodson’s circle beard is pretty damn cool. Maybe him and I are more similar than I thought; two loyal and cool cats.
I could just hire CAA to coach the team… although something tells me they aren’t an actual person, because all I see from them are goons strong arming everyone at MSG. Anyway, I know what I’ll do. This Woodson guy really wants the job and Melo loves him, so I love him! So, maybe I’ll just slow play the negotiations with him while I’m waiting to hear from Phil. Then either Phil agrees to coach the team, or I sign Woodson in the coming week…. and I’ll give him 3 years so I can blame him when this capped out team doesn’t work!!! Jimmy, you handsome, musically gifted genius you. And the best part is, the “media” will never see this coming. Not in a “length of a Knicks’ playoff drought” years! Alright, almost bed time. I gotta go find that “Meditation for Dummies” book around here if I have any chance of communicating with Phil over the celestial wireless tonight. I’m so Zen, Phil won’t even know what hit him. Damn it feels good to be cable magnate…”