It Was All A Dream: Summer 2013…

June 2013...?

With a 3 day break between games here at the start of the season, and enthusiasm at an all-time high in Bockerland, it begs the obvious question… What happens if (when) the Knicks go undefeated? We lived the crazy ride that was Linsanity last year, and one can only imagine the response would be fairly comparable if the Knicks pulled off the greatest season in organized sports history. So let’s fast forward to this time next year, and see how the Bockers spent their post-championship summer…

How to celebrate a great Woody

• Coach Woody – Dolan gives him a 1000 year contract extension. People start rocking the circle beard like mutton chops and afro puffs in the 70s. You’re the envy of your friends if you can grow a great Woody.

• Carmelo – Melo spends the entire summer basking in the validation of winning his first MVP and NBA title. He takes the Larry O’Brien trophy all thru West Baltimore, even over to the Carmelo Anthony Youth Development Center here in East B’more, where I make a run at him like I just saw a Beatle. His security beats the hell out of me. Melo and Prop Joe laugh. La La blows up… Literally and figuratively. She puts on 75-100 pounds from all the great catering at the victory tour parties, and becomes a media star, with a host of reality TV shows. Think Tracy Jordan’s wife on 30 Rock.

Everyone do "The Shump"

• Shump – Shump’s hi-top fade gains the respect of the throwback community, particularly his hi-top mentor, Kid from Kid ‘N Play. An aspiring hip-hop artist, Shump pairs with 2 Chainz and Wiz Khalifa to flood the airwaves with “The Shump”, which sounds  (and has a dance) eerily reminiscent of a popular Digital Underground track.

• JR – JR just goes missing for a while. He’s like a ghost in the night, only emerging occasionally over Twitter with flash mob style impromptu bicycle rides and photos of naked chicks in his bed. No one really knows what he got into, but he mentioned something in his last tweet about there not being a driver’s licenses to suspend with Hovercrafts.  #Let’s just move on.

• Kidd – Jason decides it’s too easy setting up guys like his talented teammates. Being a first ballot HOFer with 2 years remaining on his contract, he adds a degree of difficulty by convincing Tony Gonzalez to sign with the Knicks since they missed each other at Cal. Gonzo immediately averages 10 and 5, although he struggles with moving screens that look a lot more like a pulling run block.

• Novak – Stevo goes Hollywood, agreeing to star in “Vanilla Gunslinger”, an action film about a mild mannered Midwestern candle maker that fights crime in his free time. Unfortunately, the plug was pulled on the project prior to shooting because it sounded too much like a porno. Depressed, Steve just goes back to Wisconsin and eats a ton of cheese. He comes into camp in a shape that can only be described as “pasty Eddy Curry”. Fortunately, the Knicks still have Sheed’s stretched out jersey from this season, which fits him fine. No matter how fat, he can still shoot like whoa.

STAT after Stern was finished with him

• STAT – STAT gets really into fashion. I’m talking, really into fashion. He debuts his new clothing line, STAT (Standing Tall And Tailored), as well as his new fragrance, “Amar’e”, which smells kinda like an operating room before knee surgery. He petitions the league to wear a fedora on the court. David Stern chuckles heartily before denying the application immediately with plenty of time on the 24 second clock.

• Ray Felton – Ray drives around Portland, windows rolled down, screaming at everyone that he drives by “what do you think of my fat ass now?!?!?”. Fortunately, Ray is met with a muted shrug, as no one cares because Damian Lillard is a baller.

• Sheed – Never at a loss for words, Sheed hits the talk show circuit hard. As in, every single talk show. Dude is on Leno, Letterman, Kimmel, The Doctors, Dr. Phil, Oprah, PTI and Yo! MTV Raps. Sheed lands sitcom cameos for days, appearing on pretty much every major network simultaneously. He shatters “Gangnam Style’s” Youtube records. Jimmy Dolan starts “The ‘Sheed network”.

You're tuned into The 'Sheed network

 

• Brewer – Ronnie becomes an inspiration to big eared children everywhere that break their arms and can never full straighten them again. Sure, it’s not childhood obesity or hunger, but Ronnie makes a difference where he can.

• Tyson – Celebrates his 2nd straight defensive player of the year award by just hanging out, writing poetry and taking pictures of stuff. He gets kinda lazy though, and puts together an entire exhibit just taking photos of his DPOY trophies and the Larry O’Brien. Amar’e shows up wearing nothing but goggles for his exhibit.  It gets weird on the frontline.

• Prigioni – Pablo goes back to Argentina in the offseason, exhausted from dropping “Argentinian Pesos”™  all over opposing teams, all season. He mysteriously suffers a broken nose, although it’s suspected that incident may have had something to do with standing outside Luis Scola’s house, holding the Larry O’Brien above his head like John Cusack in “Say Anything” and shouting, “You never get this, you never get this”.

Passionate about cleaning the glass

• Camby – Stars in a series of children’s adventures as “Cambyman”, a super hero concerned with keeping the glass in the community clean, who possesses a striking resemblance to “Blankman”… but with 75% less Wayans.

• Kurt – Kurt is still scary as hell, and I’m still afraid to make a joke about him. Although, I would love to see the battle of wills that would take place if he opened up carwashes directly across the street from Oakley’s carwashes. It would be like if Denzel Washington from “Training Day” squared off against Denzel Washington from “Crimson Tide”… or “Man on Fire”… Or “Remember the Titans”… or “John Q”… or that movie with the train or the new one with the plane.

• James White – James “The Flight” White decides he probably is never going to actually play significant NBA minutes. So, given he’s already got the nickname, he pursues a career as an airplane pilot.

• Chris Copeland – No one knows who Chris Copeland is, still. But this gets a bump in circulation.

• Jimmy Dolan – Jimmy Boy announces a don a world tour with “JD and the Straight Shot”. Unfortunately, like most decisions he makes, he severely miscalculates the general public’s response for his tour. He embarks on the international tour, but ends up having to pay the venues to allow him to play, which is typically the complete opposite of how it works.  Still, he refuses to fire tour manager Isiah Thomas.

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5 Responses to It Was All A Dream: Summer 2013…

  1. Kevin says:

    This is really funny, great job.

  2. stan says:

    Thanks guys. Really enjoyed that piece. You do know that the Knicks will win it all this year, right?

  3. Mike says:

    I’m not Nate Silver…..but my projections show 75 wins. 82-0 might be a bit lofty, but it’s in the ballpark for sure.

  4. Pingback: Dolan’s Dome | Analysis for semi-realistic Knicks fans

  5. Elwood Fausto says:

    Psy likened the Gangnam District to Beverly Hills, California, and said in an interview that he intended in a twisted sense of humour by claiming himself to be “Gangnam Style” when everything about the song, dance, looks, and the music video is far from being such a high class.^..

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