Since the Knicks‘ hapless leader is renowned for his lack of media availability, I wanted to take a crack at what just might be going on in that skull of his to give a little insight into the notoriously secretive workings at the top of the Knicks organization. This goes without saying, but I don’t know James Dolan, I don’t know anyone that knows James Dolan or even know anyone that knows anyone that knows James Dolan. I have no special knowledge of his daily thought pattern, no “sources” within the front office and, like most of Knicks’ Nation, no earthly idea what he is thinking… ever. Everything that becomes part of this reoccurring piece is going to fall somewhere between “complete and total wild ass guess”, and “shameless rampant speculation”. I just wanted to get all of that out of the way now so Dolan doesn’t try and hold Comcast here in Baltimore over the barrel Time Warner style. We cool Jimmy? By your silence, I’ll take that as a maybe. So, with no further ado, I present the latest edition of “Dolan’s Dome”:
Tuesday, November 13th , 2012. 11: 57 PM. Deep inside Cablevision Castle:
Helllllooooooooooooo Brooklyn…!!! How’s it feel to be looking up in the standings, Mikhail? What kind of name is Mikhail anyway, totally sounds like a chick’s name. Jimmy. .. Now that’s a great name. A dude’s name. A man’s name. The name of an owner of the best team in basketball. Who is an idiot for letting Jeremy Lin walk now America? I can’t hear you Stephen A.? Nothing to yell about this juggernaut I’ve built? I should buy the Titanic, just so I can stand at the edge and scream “I’m King of The World” like Leo. That would make chicks fall at my hobbit feet. I haven’t screamed that or felt this high since I went to rehab back ’93. Everything is coming up Jimmy.
Seriously. This is amazing. We’ve got some of the brightest minds in the media already predicting an undefeated season. This is the same guy who wrote a piece this summer called “Go F Yourself Jimmy Dolan”. Singing a different tune now, are we Bakeshow? What kind of name is “Bakeshow” anyway? Sounds like a cheap knock off of the “Lakeshow”, with 35% more chocolate chip cookies. Note to self… make sure the tour bus on the JD and Straight Shot tour is always stocked with chocolate chip cookies.
Speaking of the Lakeshow, it’s pretty wild to see a couple of my old flames in quite a drama on the left coast. Pretty wild. Although, Phil is not getting a Christmas card this year… he knew I had a crush on him as my next coach, and he didn’t even call. But the Lakers become single, and all the sudden he’s upset when they didn’t give him a chance? What the Zen, Phil? What do they have that I don’t, besides the 2nd greatest 2 guard of all time, an MVP PG, a former All Star PF that can actually still play (cough, cough, Amar’e, cough) and the most dominant center in basketball? They don’t have Melo, do they? They don’t have the All 90s team on their 2nd unit, do they? It’s fine, I never wanted to be in the triangle of trust anyway.
I’m glad to see my buddy Mike land on his feet, and it’s really special for him to be reunited with his buddy Stevie Nash. Too bad things didn’t work out here in NY, but you’ve gotta be tough to win in NY. You gotta play D. You gotta hustle. This city isn’t for pretty boys and their perfectly groomed ‘staches… It’s for guys that preach D and rock a circle beard. I’m sure Mikey will be happy in LA, it’s much more his speed… people don’t wake up til noon, don’t show up to games til the 2nd quarter and it’s all about looking good. I know this might be tough on his and fellow KnicksBricker AC’s love affair, but long distance relationships work sometimes, right? They’ll love his run and gun offense in LaLa Land… until they run into the Knicks Brick(s) wall of defense known as your ’12-’13 Bockers in the Finals. I’ve finally done it. After years of throwing money at elderly, big name offensive players, I finally figured it out. I should have been throwing money at elderly, big name defensive players the entire time. Jimmy, you old sailor you! Now I understand why every time I see the Oak Man he yells at me angrily. I always thought he was telling me to “Protect My Neck”, but maybe he was actually telling me to “Protect the Rack”? Maybe I’m just listening to too much Wu Tang recently. Note to self # 2… call RZA about producing my next single.
I can’t lose right now. If I can be totally honest, when I signed this Pablo Prigioni guy, I actually thought he was an Argentinian Jazz musician. Everyone kept saying he was a maestro and great at controlling tempo… I just kinda thought he would be a great jazz flutist in my band. Turns out, he’s actually a savvy distributor and incredibly pesky defender. Even my mistakes are working out… and I make a ton of those! You want to score 40 points on us in a 2ndhalf? That’s like solving a Rubik’s Cuban, Dallas! You think you’re cracking 90 points? Bynum another vowel, Philly! You think you’re not losing by double digits? All the Magic in the world isn’t helping you, Orlando! That’s right Riley. We’re coming for you… led by our huge Woody, just Dolan’ out the defensive punishment. That’s right basketball world. I am James L. Dolan, owner of the only team in the last 25 years to win its first 5 games by double digits… and the Dolanisanity Renaissance has only just begun…